February 12, 2014 at 11:58pm
Briefly chatted with a history major today.
He has a boyfriend, so it’s nice to know he’s a rainbow walker, but holy crap - this was legitimately the sexiest conversation ever.
Cos he was telling me about this essay he was writing, about Japan.
And it’s been a while since I’ve been impressed by someone’s intellect in that way. He could relate the whole historicity of everything in a way that I haven’t experienced.
I think I have a thing for history buffs.
February 6, 2014 at 11:47am
It Stopped Being Funny …
Part of life is making mistakes, and part of being a good friend is standing by and supporting you through them.
But when you find out that your identity with your friends is pretty much one of making mistakes, and the butt of every joke somehow seems to be your inability to do anything right, then it’s time to make new friends.
Not so that you can continue to make mistakes ~ don’t get me wrong , it’s necessary to grow. But when the people you are with are inadvertently or deliberately not helping you grow, because they’re waiting for their witty punchline ~ they have to go.
And if they’re not understanding that, if they think they’re being cutesy or funny, then, fudge it. There comes a time when you have to exercise some self-restraint, and recognize that you might not actually be being a good friend.
You can call yourself a Queen, you can call yourself the leader, but I didn’t want any of those things - I just wanted a friend.
December 16, 2013 at 3:32am
I’ve met many a liar in my life.
My mother, my father, my sister.
But I never thought that you would lie to me
To the extent that you did.
And that you would lie so pathetically..
Makes me think you wanted to be caught.
Lie to me.
Tell me it was nothing.
Tell me it was a mistake.
Tell me it was in the name of love.
Lie to me.
And know that I will never trust you.
That I will never open my heart to you.
I will never open my door to you.
I will never welcome you in my life again.
Because the seed of doubt I thought I’d killed,
Has turned out to be not extinct,
You have just caused it to grow
To sprout leaves of jealousy and fruit of envy,
That bear seeds of deceit
And fill my mouth with the bittersweet flesh of anger and loss.
But what you did not know
Is that I am Galadriel.
I am Arwen.
I am Lirael.
I am Eowyn.
I am better than this.
I am a fire beyond your petty imaginings,
And I will destroy you.
And in your destruction,
New beginnings shall evolve.
You couldn’t even lie to me properly.
December 13, 2013 at 9:12pm
When things in my life are going well, I start to feel bad.
Because I don’t feel like I deserve to have nice things,or to have good things in my life.
I’m worried that caring about them will mean someone will use them against me,or try and take them away,for no other reason than to be cruel and to assert power over me.
And I know this is fallout from how I grew up, but dealing with it as an adult isn’t very easy. And the reason its so frustrating is because … people don’t let me talk about my issues. Because I’m privileged, apparently my problems shouldn’t be talked about. I don’t have to worry about money, so, automatically, all my problems are negligible.
And it just makes me realize, how stupid everything is.
Reblog this if You Read The Wheel of Time
Satisfy my curiosity; how many Randlanders are on Tumblr?
November 24, 2013 at 11:15pm
I don’t think you realize how lonely I am.
Or how difficult it is for me.
I know you have your own shit to deal with, and it’s not your place to look after me.
But you’re not being a good friend.
And I suppose I’m not either.
It’s hard… reaching out to someone for support, and getting rebuffed.
Hoping someone will be your hero, and finding out that they’re not.
They’re not even a travelling companion.
I’m not surprised, but… it does hurt.
It makes me feel like shit.
And it drives home this idea that I’m just … meant to be alone.
It drives home this idea that there’s something wrong with me and that at the end of it all, I’m not worth loving.
It’s hard to think the world’s worth saving, when the world doesn’t really care about you.
I know, again, everyone has their own shit… but like…
i don’t need this bull right now.
A Slab of Somethingness.
I am by no means an expert, but as I understand it, human beings are social creatures. We want to belong, and when we don’t , when we feel isolated or ostracized, we suffer for it.
So, lately I’ve been feeling uberly disconnected from my waterpolo team, and I’m trying to figure out whether or not I should stay with it. Firstly, as a team sport, it’s bad form to not feel a connection with your team. Secondly, perhaps it means I’m not a team player…
However, as with all revelations, this takes place at 3am , and what I’m realizing is that a huge part of my disconnect, is probably due to my need for validation ~ and when a team of people aren’t validating me, I feel sucky.
Validation is a form of equalization and legitimization - it connects you to a greater whole, and gives you a sense of where you’re at. For me, craving this validation from my waterpolo team is , as with all things, multidimensional :
- I crave validation as an athlete (hah)
- I crave validation as an attractive man (it’s a gay waterpolo team)
I know it’s a losing battle to compare myself to the status quo of attractiveness in the gay community ~ I will never be tall enough, muscular enough, cheekboney enough, or wear enough Prada to make anyone happy, and I’m happy with that…
But when you play on a team full of guys who fit this ideal, it’s impossible to not start feeling … down. At least for me. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad if I was getting validated elsewhere, but… that’s not happening.
So, right now I have two choices :
- leave the waterpolo team ~ find my own sense of well being, and come back when the lack of validation doesn’t bother me
- stay on the team, and work extra hard to gain their validation. ~ Problem is, all the hard work with the waterpolo and the swimming etc, will cause physical changes, which will shift me towards fitting a status quo, and then I’ll never know if they like me for me, or cos I got better looking…
^ see that right there ? self doubt,self loathing and poor self image methinks. Who’s to say I am who I am forever and ever. I am so used to seeing myself as this blob of nothingness, I accept that I will be a blob of nothingness forever…but blobs of nothingness don’t write history or change the world, and if I want to do that, I need to stop seeing myself as a blob of nothingness, and start acting as though I’m a slab of somethingness.
I will do this !
Go Me !
But is this a breakthrough, or just me validating myself by encouraging me to work towards an end goal of normalcy ?
I see a strong young man, who has survived an incredible amount alone. I see a scared little boy who’s terrified of asking for help because he’s afraid none will come. I see a person of color who’s disinherited from his culture. I see a brave new traveler wandering paths uncharted. I see a gay man…
November 20, 2013 at 11:58pm
Cuddles and Fear
Darkness presses on me,
An embrace all its own.
I don’t want it there.
And I don’t want it gone.
To open the door and let someone in
To hold the darkness close
Is too much to consider.
All is gone.
I shall be with the darkess alone.
November 12, 2013 at 4:08pm
We’re always told to not let people’s lives impact the way we interact with them ~ if we’re working with a person with a disability, ignore the disability, and interact with the person, and if the person’s an asshole, it’s cos they’re an asshole, and they don’t get a carte blanche get out of jail free card.
Okay, yes, some people do go through some traumatic stuff, and we do need to be more understanding and more forgiving. But I’m only human. I will slip up, and I will make a mistake but for whatever reason, when I do , I’m just harangued. Yes, I have incredible amounts of privilege, but what I’m not allowed to make a damned mistake ? I’m not allowed to express an opinion? I’m not allowed to question the legitimacy of a so-called support system.
And here’s the thing - I wasn’t even that much of a bastard. I made an offhand quip, and I apologized for it. I recognize that it was inappropriate, but it was also funny as hell, and to be honest, quite truthful.
If your past behaviour was dismal, and you’re apologizing for it, you better be damned sure that your current behaviour is not dismal as well. And no, you don’t get to sit there and tell me that you’re this great better person, because you accused me of being a dickface, and I am still one of the most supportive people in your life. The fact that you’re an incompetent sack of shit is your problem, not mine. You hate every part of your life but you want to sit there and wallow in your patheticness because it’s easier than standing up and making a damned difference.
And again, I put all this time, and effort and money into maintaining my relationships with people, you do jack shit, and you’re welcomed back any fucking time. Like what the fuck is that ? If I pulled half the shit you did, no one would fucking talk to me, but everyone’s so busy feeling sorry for you that no one is telling you to grow the fuck up.
It’s all just fucking bullshit.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.